Tuesday, October 28, 2008

"I find that hard to beleive officer."

This is Dan. I had to start that way because people have complained that they don't know who is writing on our blog. Rule of thumb, cute pictures and their descriptions mean Janay, sarcastic critiques of the society we live in means Dan.

Anyway, as you all know Janay is pregnant with number two. As most of you all know, when Janay is pregnant she really puts everything she's got into making the perfect child. Some women just sit around with a "bun in the oven", waiting until the bun has been cooked and they take it out of the oven. Not my wife. She is more like a blender that is combining DNA and it is spilling all over the place. It is not pretty what she has to go through. Morning sickness is for sissies, my wife has morning, after morning, a little before noon, a little after noon, afternoon, the time before evening starts, evening, post evening, pre-midnight, middle of the night, dawn, and once again, morning sickness. From her pre-pregnancy weight she has lost almost 20 pounds. When she looks for pregancy clothes my wife doesn't go to "Motherhood" or "Mimi Maternity" she heads for the for the petite section at macy's because all of her clothes are falling off. It breaks my heart to see the ribs in her back as she withers away to make another baby for our family. Thanks to all for the help you have given.

We went out to the east coast in September for my nephews baptism, nieces birthday, and the other nieces blessing. Janay was miserable and almost didn't make the trip, but my sisters convinced her to make the trip so they could help take care of her, rather than Janay helping take care of Afton and her family as was planned. For the two weeks that Janay was there she only left the house to go to church. Because Janay was so sick I took Mackenzie home with me for the week. I have to give a shout out to all the families that helped watch Mackenzie while I was at work: The Barnum's, Kimball's, Anderson's, Lewis', Bouck's, and Newcomer's.

Needless to say I was ready for Janay to come home so I could stop passing Mackenzie from house to house like some kind of unwanted puppy. Mackenzie and I headed to the airport to pick-up Janay. I pull up to the curb and can see Janay getting her bag at the luggage carousel. I got out of the car and opened up the trunk to put her bag in. To my dismay a flashlight carrying, airport security worker, way past his prime, told me to drive around again.

Me: "Dude! My wife is right there coming out as we speak."

Old Man: "Drive around!"

Me: "Are you serious?"

Old Man: "Drive around!"

I jump in the car and drive around the airport. As many of you know, the speed limit at the airport goes from 35 to 25 to 10 in approximately 17 feet. I pulled up to the curb where Janay was of course standing there like she was about to projectile vomit. I jumped out of the car to once again open the trunk and instead was screamed at by a California Highway Patrolman, "Get back in your car!!" Ponch came up to my window and we had the following conversation:

Ponch: "Do you have any idea what the speed limit is back there?"

Me: "That depends on where you are talking about."

Ponch: "Right back there."

Me: "If you are meaning before getting to the pick-up zone it is 25."

Ponch: "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?"

Me: (Realizing this is the oldest trick in the book that the CHP uses so that you will convict yourself of speeding with your own statement, I responded accordingly) "No officer."

Ponch: "I had you going 45."

Me: "I find that hard to beleive officer. How exactly did you come to that conclusion? Were you using radar?" (Obviously he didn't know he was dealing with one of the top speeding ticket litigators in Sacramento)

Ponch: "I was following one hundred yards behind you going 45 and you were pulling away."

Me: "I really find that hard to beleive, there is no way I was going that fast."

He then went back to his cruiser and had a nice conversation with the washed up flashlight security officer that told me to drive around, and wrote me a ticket. He brought back the ticket and I asked him if he was going to enjoy spending his Halloween in court with me as much as I was with him. He told me that the date will likely change when they mail me a notice.

I took my ticket and told him politely: "I will see you in court officer."

The notice came and my date wasn't changed, so I pull out one of my own tricks and go down to the court a day or two before the hearing and request a continuance. My date was moved all the way to January. First rule of legal defense work: delay, delay, delay. When I finally meet the officer in court, if he decides to show up, he won't be able to recall the situation of issuing the ticket when I cross examine.

I seem to have a magnet for attracting law enforcement to my vehicle. It may be the McGeorge plate frame, it may be the sweet tinted windows, I don't know. But I do know that law enforcement is not infallible, and need to be kept in check when they pull numbers out of thin air. Was I going faster than 25, maybe. Was I going 45, I really doubt that, and it is my right to bring into doubt the accusation that I was going that fast. Bring it Ponch!!


The Gainors said...

you should have had janae puke on him. i wonder if your attorney arrogance had any affect on the officers decision to give you a ticket. next time you get pulled over you should try what i do. just dump your water/soda/child's bottle in your crotch and when the officer comes up to the window just look down at your lap all embarassed like and mutter, " I, I, I just." that's as far as they let you get. sometimes they look real disgusted but they always let you drive away. (note- you should probably keep a spare pair of pants in the trunk.)

Andrew and Lauren said...

Let me know if you need a witness. Anything to bring down the Ponch!


The Gainors said...

I would like to ratify what was said by my wife about the water/soda/whatever is wet and looks real comment. This has actually happened in case you were wondering, and yes, it does work, and yes my wife has gotten out of 12-14 tickets in the last 5 years some way, some how. It really has become some sort of a twisted game for her. As long as I am not paying for a ticket, BRING ON THE LIQUID! One of the reasons leather is a must.

kristin said...

You oughta write for a living!!! I am so cracking up!!! And to think that I once thought Erik Estrata was hot. Blech, puke, blahh! Of course, I was just a child in the early 80's. One's thinking is always skewed if one grew up in the 80's.
Hang in there Janay! I know what it feels like to be sick NONSTOP. Call me for ANYTHING. I meant it. Call me.

Lauren said...

Can you come to Ohio and fight our traffic tickets? We've been accused of running red lights lately. Totally bogus! Janay - you're a champ.

alisa said...

OMG! You are hilarious!!! I was cracking up through the whole thing. You are so going to win. Janay... girl...please call if you need anything.

Melinda Jones said...

Oh my goodness, you are hysterical. Also, way to go Janay, for being such a trooper throughout this experience. Hope you are feeling better! Happy Thanksgiving!

Trevor said...

Foolish officer, tricks are for idiots that don't have 2, 3, or 4 previous bogus ticket experiences under their belts. Granted, CHP show up at ticket hearings more than the Rancho PD does, so you might have a fight on your hands. Still, nothing irks me more than an egomaniacal airport traffic cop, followed by a "my gun is bigger than yours" CHP officer. We are supposed to be worried about terrorists. What, a redheaded guy with his baby girl in tow, with a sickly prego wife approaching the vehicle is a threat situation? I guess Dan could pass for a member of the Irish Republican Army or something, but c'mon!

Swenson Family said...

SO, where is the follow up story? What happened in January?